The biggest lessons

The biggest lessons are learnt at moments which might seem most tragic, but in hindsight, the most trivial.

Like when I realised my life and dreams and plans should be my own priority before I expect it to be someone else's. For, that's what I thought was a way for me to see they love me. - A time when I felt so ignored by a loved one, that I thought my world was coming crashing down and I had spent all this time building nothing. I was wrong. People are who they are. You should be who you are, that and nothing else. All else comes later.

Like when I realised there is no love lost between two people if they haven't spoken in a long time. - A phone call or an email not being answered doesnt mean things are over and there is no need to feel anguish over it. People were probably a little preoccupied.

Like when I realised no one can do my work better than me. No one can truly love me, guide me, console me, be me better than me. - No matter who you have in life, how wonderful they are and how much they like you depending on them, they will not always be there. Sometimes the worst, sometimes the silliest of times. Only you will be there. They are your demons, your battles to fight. And you will fight them inevitably when you see no one around to do it for you. - Its not that the world disappears leaving you helpless, sometimes it needs to, so we can truly see ourselves for our abilities. Its life giving opportunities of growth and belief in one's strength and goodness.

Like when I realised everything was gonna be ok, no matter what s**t transpired before today, all the drama, the mayhem, the troubles and the trauma. - Things have a way of working themselves out, if you make sure you're fighting for harmony and not personal victories, if you make sure to do the right thing, accept defeat when needed, not give up when most needed and keep on at your dreams.

A sense of accomplishment worth all the hard work?

To do lists adorn my walls. Most pieces of paper I find, get lists written all over them about what to do and finish and get over. Heck I even had a checklist installed on my smart phone. But i never get around to completing even one of those lists. I don't know what it feels like to achieve a completed to do list. :(

Get voluntarily (and sometimes not so much), sucked into things, events, do's which are seemingly fun but not productive to your plans and ambitions, although they may be good for the soul. But it ain't too good in the long run if you reproach yourself for the time lost, the soul doesn't feel any better either.

The question is, is it worth puttin in effort to finish your list? Is the sense of accomplishment really worth all the hard work? Is the sense of accomplishment worth not having reproach?

Sincerely, faithfully, yours!

They say, a picture is worth a thousand words. I'm gonna paint one for you now. Imagine, a river of love and affection and all the help humanly possible that you can get. You're a tree by the river bank. Among the several trees and bushes, the river chose you to shower its love on.

People need you, you're the protector and provider for the masses. The river is but a mere service provider to everyone including you. But you're not invincible. The river can support you, to help you grow stronger and get the glory you so rightly deserve. The river is only looking out for you, so you can reach the greatest heights.

Let me be your river, I ask truthfully, sincerely. I will always be yours, faithfully.

This one's for you Poo!

Supposedly! :)

Sweet sorrow...

Music makes me wander. It often makes me wonder. What's really going on in that tiny head, whats really cooking in that cozy heart. Imagining things that aren't there, wishing for things quite impossible. It's a song, a melody, a plea for help, a prayer for everything to go right again. The thing that's complicated is there isnt anything wrong. A puzzle, nothing obsessive, nothing too harsh, just without a way out.

Kiss me out of this sweet sorrow, of knowing you gotta get out, of the will to stay back some more and look on, into the unknown, into the nothingness. Its just a feeling, a passing phase. A lil bit limitless. Reverie or reality. A strange comfort and misery of helplessness to fight trivialities. Such is life when you're not too busy. A knock on the door, is that you there? Thank you, I'm delighted to be out of here.

Your lil gal :)

Baby gal, my swt baby gal - I'm still all that and a lil bit more. Hope you remember. We found love in a hopeless place as Rihanna would say. Those were wonderful times, they still are, but with some testing times to scare us on the way.

All the times of treading fire and storms, all the times of merry weather and giggles, all the times of expectations and dreams coming true, all the happy moments we created and all the hassles we got each other into - Dont you wanna relive it, make some more memorable minutes for us to remember and cherish? You say yes and I promise I'll be there whether you see me or not, to hold your back in case you fall. I promise there will me more glee than all the tears I used to be made of. I promise to make you smile :)

Quiet determination.

Thou ar't evading me enough. All these years gone by, unskilled and dirt swept. I proclaim an end to this non existential existence.
Do something with your life dear child, that means more to you than it ever has, something in the direction of your life. Nothing that merely gets you by. Quit the cycle of loving and losing because you didnt try hard enough, or didnt try at all.
The world is your oyster and I know you desire these very dearly and ernestly. You've got what it takes, you're God's blessed one. Do what you have to today, you will not be lost for long. Gleeful rewards await on the other side of this chasm called distance and separation. But the chasm is teaching you to swim, to navigate and negotiate, to choose your terms and test yourself like the only time you can. Make the best of it. Come out of it a winner that you already are on the inside. Let your true self shine. Let that begin now!

Detour!

Rearrange the thoughts in my head, cuz its driving me insane. The thoughts that I cant be someone, that I cant be somewhere right this minute, that I dont have what it takes, that I wanna flee, that I wanna get back where I belong. Where you are...

Get out get out get out!

You're here, always where I need you, when I need you. Its the truth. Tell me it is. Isnt it? Say yes. YES! You're here. I'll be fine, this needs to be done. We'll do it well. Thanks good earth that these holes of light are there in the voids of darkness. Thanks for the hope and the glimpses of faith. I believe in you. I believe this is right. Hope you do too.

 Get in Get in Get in.

It's hopeless!

Hopelessly in love with the world I'm in, cuz you're in it too. Want to remember this feeling forever. Of peace and ecstasy! And no, I haven's smoked up or anything :) Of glee and feelings of longing and dreams of meeting again. I know you dont have to talk to me to show me you love! I do. I know. I do. But I forget sometimes. Remind me like you used to. Lift me up inside like you always do. Cuz my love for you will grow then too.

Thank you my love for all the little things you do for me and with me. A lil more focus on a picture I'm in, pausing your fury so I have a good time, lettin me have my bad moments and then learning, the encouragement and the growth and the insight and the sharing and the concern. Thank you for it all. Thank you for being here whenever you have and whenever you havent. Let me be there for you like you have. Thank you for making me hopelessly giddy like only you know how. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you :)

Killing me softly...

I have all this love and I want it for you, for you to have it. Its never ending, no explanation, no questions, conditions or expiration dates. Why you wouldnt want it is beyond me. I'd really like it if you could at least see it through my eyes before you went away not wanting it again. Dont kill me with your absence, with your silence and your ignorance of me. All I need is some time to cherish and savour and build it strong so it can last long and go on and on. Amen.

Sincerely miffed!

Oh the lot that can happen to one for no apparent reason but simply by one's presence. A heavily rented, not so great house goes on the market while you're still living in it: because some moron made a mistake with the address. A missed appointment with imbecile data cable guys and one waits a month to get internet connections running even though you were present at the time and place the whole time and on time. Landlords who forget they have tenants and go on vacations: still dont remember them when they're back. Laughable incidents in afterthought? Maybe to a cool cucumber been through it all. Not to a wannabe student, who's forgotten how to start studying and has to write exams after more than three years of leaving school.

I get people make mistakes. No one intends to be stupid. Just quit makin them around me! I have my own to take care of, erase and redo. All the mail vans and black cars are not enough to wish upon to make these time stealing demons disappear. A holy ghost, a kind angel please come down and get me over this. Over to a place where I can do what I came here to do - Think and work and be something happy.

BE/Software engineer with 2 yrs experience moving to finance sector

Thats the (ahem) "title" that popped up before I thought of what was gonna go in this somewhat of a comeback post! Bizzaro? yes. But so appropriate!

According to most, left a good job and pay packet and jumping into a subject you believe is the thing for you but have no connection whatsoever to everything you've "studied" so far! Jolly good idea! Thank heavens for the supporting family which made a quick turnaround from their initial bewilderment to this foreign going to study foreign subject!

One would think with everything in place and the moral support, you'd be gung ho about flyin from the nest! I am, but I am also petrified, not so much by the foreigness of it all but all the preparations my supremely lazy self was hoping would get miraculously done without me lifting a finger. And true to my Dad's words, i have yet again become a last minute girakee :( (girakee = customer) All the cribbing on my side and the consoling on some truly sympathetic souls makes me optimistic, but it still is a hard task(s). All the headache of the bank work, the booking, the payments, the receiving and the sending, without having a vehicle to drive yourself, having to go to places a million times to get one thing done, and to have to do it alone, the frustration and exhaustion of it all - This is the stuff a horror film on moving away is made of!

So this BE Software engineer (turned instructional designer :( uff! get me a part time job in this ID) is moving to the finance sector, back to studies, to independence, to dependence on herself and to hopefully a whole lot of good times. Here's to a start! :) well, a restart!

What makes?

What makes me vulnerable? In the face of adversity and rejection and when things dont go my way!
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?

My generation

For the past coupla days, I'd been feeling a little low, "aimless" - thats the word i chose to describe it. In this very grave narrative going on in my head, in the voice of anthony bourdain ( dont know why), everywhere turned up a lost cause.Now i know its the exaggerated self. Life is really not bad at all.



Life! how often we use that word, failing to consider for a trifle second, what it really means. 'Life sucks', 'life s a bitch', 'what a life' and the most often heard, 'i hate my life'. Even i hadn't realised it until a few hours ago. Well here goes. A guy in my college, although i barely remember his face, he's the reason for the events leading upto my thoughts. He chose to kill himself over a series of bad performances academically. I heard about it from friends and was indifferent like most of the times that i've heard such things since i was in school. What was different this time, was that a favorite lecturer of mine made a fine choice of talking bout this for a few minutes. And it was not the usual " its cowardly to commit suicide and escape reality, one should build the strength and the courage to face anything that comes your way". Simply put, 'don't kill yourself, this is nothing'! And there's every bit of truth to it. But it hadnt ever provoked any thoughts in my head.


"You know what is wrong with the young, new generation? You've been brought up in a.." A voice in the back goes, 'imposed environment'! " Yes, thats true. Its also very protective and children ( i think he meant anyone below 22-23) today are so fragile."
Amidst so many restrictions that we think are bombarded on us, knowing fully well its only for safety reasons, we have the freedom to do anything we want, numerous opportunities and plenty of support for our well meaning endeavours. But we, along with the liberty and the opportunities are encompassed within this invisible web that my friend called the 'imposed environment'. It sounds very debateable and sure, you'll say anything can be done! The youth has the power to change anything! Thats what I want to hear. We can and we will do everything in our power to break the mould, not for the heck of it, but because it matters! It makes a difference!

Thus spoke a detractor," whats the point sir, what if your life has no meaning?" I moved in my seat. And the reply pulled at a string somewhere, I'm not sure if its as thought provoking to anyone reading this now, or to those around me who heard it. He simply said "then, find a meaning for your life". I could feel my face brighten up. One of the many things that have touched me and that i will recall for a long long time. It really is that simple. Find something that makes me feel, this is the reason I'm here. And until i find that, the quest to find it, will be my aim.It may take forever to find it, but I'm not afraid and I'm quite pleased with the way things are going and will continue to do what makes me happy without having to question my conscience.


The discussion moved from there to remembering the Mahatma, and how even he made some poor choices. Like a very dear friend said, everybody has their not-so-easy moments, even those who we think have everything going for them.And about the society, where children are growing up so fast! I'm not that old, and even i feel the change. Things borrowed or brought from other nations, need not always be good. But there's no denying that its essential to interact and share. What we can do, is make sure we're better equiped to handle and maybe even induce change. I'd just like to borrow a popular political party's campaign slogan for a while (mind you, I'm in no way advertising for them) India Shining! I just wanna say, awaken your conscience! Listen to it when it stops you from doing something wrong, for yourself, the society and the country. Listen to it when it tells you its time you did something for yourself, the society and the country. The blame game we play with our government, politicians, beauracrats, traffic, vendors, neighbours..you know where I'm goin with this.. Wake up from your beauty sleep!
India shining! lead india! Go India go! Chak de India! And whatever else that makes sense to you!

Respect - not a day's work!

Zoom - Let's talk!

Sushmita Sen.

Respect is more important than love.

Hmmm..A lil bit of soul searching and almost total belief surfaced.

For people to be and grow in love, its a prerequisite to respect one another. Sometimes its just not there or it starts to wane, for very many reasons, different at different times. Here are some that came to my mind.

1. When one loses respect for oneself, cant exactly see anyone else being right. When you respect someone, love is a part of it; when you love someone, respect is not always a part of it.
I can identify with this to some extent. Lack of self esteem and self love makes one insecure and very unwilling to trust people. One tries to put on a tough exterior, and is constantly on one's guard. For me, this phase is over, well, it almost is. I feel independent, capable and special. I know i dont have to treat myself badly, i'm not a rag. Even typing this out empowers me:)

2. Being let down, when one has too many expectations, and they're not fulfilled.
Faith and love remain sometimes, but respect, uh-no, not so much. A friend recently said to me, Dont have too many expectations from people, life will look a lot better. Didint seem like much at the time, but its definitey true. it definitely works and is totally possible!

3. One's ego! Ironically enough, I know what this feels like ( for a person with the ego ). There is this air of superiority and invincibility( if its not a real word, u're smart enough to know what i mean), sometimes you think you CANNOT be wrong! Even if you are, there's no way you will accept it.

This can be gotten rid of. Humility! Be humble. Takes time, but its worth the effort. Stop judging people for what you think are their short comings, dont give anyone labels you wouldnt like having yourself. We're all different, but we're still alike, in that we're humans. An open heart and a free mind, unbiased and unprejudiced will lead the way.

Counting down the days

Doubt, sarcasm, guilt, constant ridicule and manic depression. Its not her problem, but she's still trying to help. I wouldnt say she's saving lives but atleast she's not lettin anyone die! She doesnt want to make this about herself, because its not. Its much bigger, more insane, too intense, quite serious and quite trivial at the same time.

She cannot make it go away, its not in her hands. Just when it seems like it is or she starts to believe it is, things slip away. She never gives up on people, people she loves. Adjustments, compromises, sacrifices are an everyday occurrence, they're not exactly selfless at times, cuz she knows and expects something good to come out of it, sometimes. She has patience too, but she's losing grey matter, failing to cope up. She's not helpless, not asking for help. But she wouldnt decline it if someone offers it. She's not exactly living the way she wants to, hoped to or dreamt of. But she's not unhappy.

This is not autobiographical.

Make that call

Speak your mind

Clear the air

Dont let it bother u anymore

You know who you are

Nothin is lost yet

Dont let it

For your sake,

and mine.

Uh..huh..ya!

Friends! Wat do these seven letters signify for me!? Uh I'll keep that for another day. Just get this! I hold my friends in high regard. Friends, one expects to be with u when u need em, even if its just to talk, its mostly that and almost never a huge favor!

Deep down, you know they care too. But when they dont care enough to show you that they care, it doesnt matter at all that they care! When your concern goes unrequited, it just leaves one big gap of sad wonder and pangs of unwantedness!

It just hurts! A lot!

The power of sms!

I've had some of my best realisations, the most amazing thoughts and dreams shared, the most i've opened up and the bestestestest conversations thru sms! Sadly, the most depressing misunderstandings too! Yeah thats right, all cliches and superlatives! It really had been a way for me to connect with so many people in ways I didnt know was possible, I've gotten much closer to people I already know..and have loadsa friends who share my thoughts.I even realised I could be funny!;)



The pitfalls,uh sting! People dont get things the way you intended them to get, you dont either when someone else is doing the talking.Somethings really beautiful start to turn sour! If only there is an orange light, a warning sign which tells u when to stop or slow down or switch to somethin else or just stop! Did i say it already!? Uh..



Turns out there is!You know how your mom always told u, too much is never too good! If you really need to communicate something, and it just has to be done at that very instant, the smses, cheap that they are, are very tempting, but just stop wondering about the change left in your pocket and make a call! Just make a freakin call! Sure, you cant read the call over and over again or save it, but its more personal.Shows you care.So, if u really do care,CALL!



And, my beloved sms, I dont hate you! I just wont rely on you when things mean the world to me and I'm willing to bet the moon on it! Your existence is necessary, maybe even crucial to some.Your power wont fade!:)