ahem..losing grace, if u will..

following the last episode of "lost", had intentions of puttin up somethin positive and happy cuz i was feelin it..alas! procrastination got the better of me..now the phase is over too..but here's a promise to myself,it'll definitely find its place on the recipe board of soul cooking..

but some kinda ranting was long overdue..just makin a comeback..or somethin like that..

feeling one way or another but always returning to the one way,
the one which leads to u.
no streets or headlights,no sunshine too...


the ride seems longer with every passing wink,
one huge vaccum,one huge wall,and i cannot recall;
did i try hard enough!?
did i look deep enough!?
is this wat u call being lost!?


looking thru the looking glass till the glass turned misty..
beads of month old vapour wiping it away..
the air putrid with fear,loss and eternal pain..
fear born out of being poisoned,
loss born out of the yield..
pain of repentance born out of playin too hard on the field..


i'm sorry too...

P.S: listenin to 'why does it always rain on me' by travis..words just drifted out..they dont seem to make sense all together but u gotta use a LOOKING GLASS ;)

"lost!" sounds cliched,but thats how i felt..

this happened last tuesday,bout 730 in the mornin..i was runnin late..got into a bus.this lady got in,early twenties perhaps and sat in front of me..i noticed her diamond earrings,not that big but very classy.then i saw her face..i felt somethin i'd never felt before..didnt think it would ever happen,cuz i love the person i am..this is what i felt..i wanted to be her...giving up everything i have,i have dreamt of and want to be! i just wanted to be her!tranquil..

she seemed to have a few thoughts in her head.perhaps of what she'd eat that day or how her day at work would be.no inner conflicts im sure.happy or not,i knew she was contented..i could just tell..even though i hadnt felt that in a really long time.seemed like an eternity since i did...

tried to remember last night.i was drawing a blank..i was just really really hurt,like so many times in the past two years.cant figure out why this downward spiral began.i havent let go of this,like everything else so far..i'm finally learning to..still,the downward spiral continues..

i dont feel strong,even remotely.but i dont feel weak either.i'm just numb..i'm afraid to hold on now.i just wanna feel secure again,because of me,of who i am, of what i know and what i'm capable of..i cant seem to hold on to that thought either..

so many people around me,going on about their lives..feel like its just me,stuck and unable to move..the same thing over and over again.cant find answers.i dont know if i've got the questions right!why havent i learnt? or have i, this once!? then why is it so hard to start somehing new? nothing old is left anymore, for me to finish. i'm not done yet.i know i have a long way to go.. but i'm afraid i'll fail. more than that, i'm afraid i'll triumph like no other,and still be all alone!just ME!

tainted

here's the beginning of the end...
the end of mediocrity that i pushed myself into,
the end of pessimism that i got sucked into...
the end of thirst and league of meaninglessness...

i'm a million different thoughts woven together,
rediscovering that i'm alien,unfocussed and trivial...
footprints that match mine are more than a billion...

searching for my page in history has made me richer in pain,
my sins,known and unknown are being washed down by the unbiased rain...
life has moved at snail's pace,
but i'm struggling to catch up with this "nowhere headed" race...

no room

stuck and unwilling to get out,
infinity seems too short to look for...
out of skin and bones and into shadows,
fuller and complete maketh the night...
sunshine is now welcome only thru blinds..
a living masked by laughter..
petals of nostalgia seem mortal..
day moves on to day,
ease coming in perpetual wait...