Quiet determination.

Thou ar't evading me enough. All these years gone by, unskilled and dirt swept. I proclaim an end to this non existential existence.
Do something with your life dear child, that means more to you than it ever has, something in the direction of your life. Nothing that merely gets you by. Quit the cycle of loving and losing because you didnt try hard enough, or didnt try at all.
The world is your oyster and I know you desire these very dearly and ernestly. You've got what it takes, you're God's blessed one. Do what you have to today, you will not be lost for long. Gleeful rewards await on the other side of this chasm called distance and separation. But the chasm is teaching you to swim, to navigate and negotiate, to choose your terms and test yourself like the only time you can. Make the best of it. Come out of it a winner that you already are on the inside. Let your true self shine. Let that begin now!

Detour!

Rearrange the thoughts in my head, cuz its driving me insane. The thoughts that I cant be someone, that I cant be somewhere right this minute, that I dont have what it takes, that I wanna flee, that I wanna get back where I belong. Where you are...

Get out get out get out!

You're here, always where I need you, when I need you. Its the truth. Tell me it is. Isnt it? Say yes. YES! You're here. I'll be fine, this needs to be done. We'll do it well. Thanks good earth that these holes of light are there in the voids of darkness. Thanks for the hope and the glimpses of faith. I believe in you. I believe this is right. Hope you do too.

 Get in Get in Get in.

It's hopeless!

Hopelessly in love with the world I'm in, cuz you're in it too. Want to remember this feeling forever. Of peace and ecstasy! And no, I haven's smoked up or anything :) Of glee and feelings of longing and dreams of meeting again. I know you dont have to talk to me to show me you love! I do. I know. I do. But I forget sometimes. Remind me like you used to. Lift me up inside like you always do. Cuz my love for you will grow then too.

Thank you my love for all the little things you do for me and with me. A lil more focus on a picture I'm in, pausing your fury so I have a good time, lettin me have my bad moments and then learning, the encouragement and the growth and the insight and the sharing and the concern. Thank you for it all. Thank you for being here whenever you have and whenever you havent. Let me be there for you like you have. Thank you for making me hopelessly giddy like only you know how. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you :)

Killing me softly...

I have all this love and I want it for you, for you to have it. Its never ending, no explanation, no questions, conditions or expiration dates. Why you wouldnt want it is beyond me. I'd really like it if you could at least see it through my eyes before you went away not wanting it again. Dont kill me with your absence, with your silence and your ignorance of me. All I need is some time to cherish and savour and build it strong so it can last long and go on and on. Amen.

Sincerely miffed!

Oh the lot that can happen to one for no apparent reason but simply by one's presence. A heavily rented, not so great house goes on the market while you're still living in it: because some moron made a mistake with the address. A missed appointment with imbecile data cable guys and one waits a month to get internet connections running even though you were present at the time and place the whole time and on time. Landlords who forget they have tenants and go on vacations: still dont remember them when they're back. Laughable incidents in afterthought? Maybe to a cool cucumber been through it all. Not to a wannabe student, who's forgotten how to start studying and has to write exams after more than three years of leaving school.

I get people make mistakes. No one intends to be stupid. Just quit makin them around me! I have my own to take care of, erase and redo. All the mail vans and black cars are not enough to wish upon to make these time stealing demons disappear. A holy ghost, a kind angel please come down and get me over this. Over to a place where I can do what I came here to do - Think and work and be something happy.

BE/Software engineer with 2 yrs experience moving to finance sector

Thats the (ahem) "title" that popped up before I thought of what was gonna go in this somewhat of a comeback post! Bizzaro? yes. But so appropriate!

According to most, left a good job and pay packet and jumping into a subject you believe is the thing for you but have no connection whatsoever to everything you've "studied" so far! Jolly good idea! Thank heavens for the supporting family which made a quick turnaround from their initial bewilderment to this foreign going to study foreign subject!

One would think with everything in place and the moral support, you'd be gung ho about flyin from the nest! I am, but I am also petrified, not so much by the foreigness of it all but all the preparations my supremely lazy self was hoping would get miraculously done without me lifting a finger. And true to my Dad's words, i have yet again become a last minute girakee :( (girakee = customer) All the cribbing on my side and the consoling on some truly sympathetic souls makes me optimistic, but it still is a hard task(s). All the headache of the bank work, the booking, the payments, the receiving and the sending, without having a vehicle to drive yourself, having to go to places a million times to get one thing done, and to have to do it alone, the frustration and exhaustion of it all - This is the stuff a horror film on moving away is made of!

So this BE Software engineer (turned instructional designer :( uff! get me a part time job in this ID) is moving to the finance sector, back to studies, to independence, to dependence on herself and to hopefully a whole lot of good times. Here's to a start! :) well, a restart!

What makes?

What makes me vulnerable? In the face of adversity and rejection and when things dont go my way!
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?