Rearrange the thoughts in my head, cuz its driving me insane. The thoughts that I cant be someone, that I cant be somewhere right this minute, that I dont have what it takes, that I wanna flee, that I wanna get back where I belong. Where you are...
Get out get out get out!
You're here, always where I need you, when I need you. Its the truth. Tell me it is. Isnt it? Say yes. YES! You're here. I'll be fine, this needs to be done. We'll do it well. Thanks good earth that these holes of light are there in the voids of darkness. Thanks for the hope and the glimpses of faith. I believe in you. I believe this is right. Hope you do too.
Get in Get in Get in.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's hopeless!
Hopelessly in love with the world I'm in, cuz you're in it too. Want to remember this feeling forever. Of peace and ecstasy! And no, I haven's smoked up or anything :) Of glee and feelings of longing and dreams of meeting again. I know you dont have to talk to me to show me you love! I do. I know. I do. But I forget sometimes. Remind me like you used to. Lift me up inside like you always do. Cuz my love for you will grow then too.
Thank you my love for all the little things you do for me and with me. A lil more focus on a picture I'm in, pausing your fury so I have a good time, lettin me have my bad moments and then learning, the encouragement and the growth and the insight and the sharing and the concern. Thank you for it all. Thank you for being here whenever you have and whenever you havent. Let me be there for you like you have. Thank you for making me hopelessly giddy like only you know how. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you :)
Thank you my love for all the little things you do for me and with me. A lil more focus on a picture I'm in, pausing your fury so I have a good time, lettin me have my bad moments and then learning, the encouragement and the growth and the insight and the sharing and the concern. Thank you for it all. Thank you for being here whenever you have and whenever you havent. Let me be there for you like you have. Thank you for making me hopelessly giddy like only you know how. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you :)
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Killing me softly...
I have all this love and I want it for you, for you to have it. Its never ending, no explanation, no questions, conditions or expiration dates. Why you wouldnt want it is beyond me. I'd really like it if you could at least see it through my eyes before you went away not wanting it again. Dont kill me with your absence, with your silence and your ignorance of me. All I need is some time to cherish and savour and build it strong so it can last long and go on and on. Amen.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sincerely miffed!
Oh the lot that can happen to one for no apparent reason but simply by one's presence. A heavily rented, not so great house goes on the market while you're still living in it: because some moron made a mistake with the address. A missed appointment with imbecile data cable guys and one waits a month to get internet connections running even though you were present at the time and place the whole time and on time. Landlords who forget they have tenants and go on vacations: still dont remember them when they're back. Laughable incidents in afterthought? Maybe to a cool cucumber been through it all. Not to a wannabe student, who's forgotten how to start studying and has to write exams after more than three years of leaving school.
I get people make mistakes. No one intends to be stupid. Just quit makin them around me! I have my own to take care of, erase and redo. All the mail vans and black cars are not enough to wish upon to make these time stealing demons disappear. A holy ghost, a kind angel please come down and get me over this. Over to a place where I can do what I came here to do - Think and work and be something happy.
I get people make mistakes. No one intends to be stupid. Just quit makin them around me! I have my own to take care of, erase and redo. All the mail vans and black cars are not enough to wish upon to make these time stealing demons disappear. A holy ghost, a kind angel please come down and get me over this. Over to a place where I can do what I came here to do - Think and work and be something happy.
Friday, July 22, 2011
BE/Software engineer with 2 yrs experience moving to finance sector
Thats the (ahem) "title" that popped up before I thought of what was gonna go in this somewhat of a comeback post! Bizzaro? yes. But so appropriate!
According to most, left a good job and pay packet and jumping into a subject you believe is the thing for you but have no connection whatsoever to everything you've "studied" so far! Jolly good idea! Thank heavens for the supporting family which made a quick turnaround from their initial bewilderment to this foreign going to study foreign subject!
One would think with everything in place and the moral support, you'd be gung ho about flyin from the nest! I am, but I am also petrified, not so much by the foreigness of it all but all the preparations my supremely lazy self was hoping would get miraculously done without me lifting a finger. And true to my Dad's words, i have yet again become a last minute girakee :( (girakee = customer) All the cribbing on my side and the consoling on some truly sympathetic souls makes me optimistic, but it still is a hard task(s). All the headache of the bank work, the booking, the payments, the receiving and the sending, without having a vehicle to drive yourself, having to go to places a million times to get one thing done, and to have to do it alone, the frustration and exhaustion of it all - This is the stuff a horror film on moving away is made of!
So this BE Software engineer (turned instructional designer :( uff! get me a part time job in this ID) is moving to the finance sector, back to studies, to independence, to dependence on herself and to hopefully a whole lot of good times. Here's to a start! :) well, a restart!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
What makes?
What makes me vulnerable? In the face of adversity and rejection and when things dont go my way!
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
My generation
For the past coupla days, I'd been feeling a little low, "aimless" - thats the word i chose to describe it. In this very grave narrative going on in my head, in the voice of anthony bourdain ( dont know why), everywhere turned up a lost cause.Now i know its the exaggerated self. Life is really not bad at all.
Life! how often we use that word, failing to consider for a trifle second, what it really means. 'Life sucks', 'life s a bitch', 'what a life' and the most often heard, 'i hate my life'. Even i hadn't realised it until a few hours ago. Well here goes. A guy in my college, although i barely remember his face, he's the reason for the events leading upto my thoughts. He chose to kill himself over a series of bad performances academically. I heard about it from friends and was indifferent like most of the times that i've heard such things since i was in school. What was different this time, was that a favorite lecturer of mine made a fine choice of talking bout this for a few minutes. And it was not the usual " its cowardly to commit suicide and escape reality, one should build the strength and the courage to face anything that comes your way". Simply put, 'don't kill yourself, this is nothing'! And there's every bit of truth to it. But it hadnt ever provoked any thoughts in my head.
"You know what is wrong with the young, new generation? You've been brought up in a.." A voice in the back goes, 'imposed environment'! " Yes, thats true. Its also very protective and children ( i think he meant anyone below 22-23) today are so fragile."
Amidst so many restrictions that we think are bombarded on us, knowing fully well its only for safety reasons, we have the freedom to do anything we want, numerous opportunities and plenty of support for our well meaning endeavours. But we, along with the liberty and the opportunities are encompassed within this invisible web that my friend called the 'imposed environment'. It sounds very debateable and sure, you'll say anything can be done! The youth has the power to change anything! Thats what I want to hear. We can and we will do everything in our power to break the mould, not for the heck of it, but because it matters! It makes a difference!
Thus spoke a detractor," whats the point sir, what if your life has no meaning?" I moved in my seat. And the reply pulled at a string somewhere, I'm not sure if its as thought provoking to anyone reading this now, or to those around me who heard it. He simply said "then, find a meaning for your life". I could feel my face brighten up. One of the many things that have touched me and that i will recall for a long long time. It really is that simple. Find something that makes me feel, this is the reason I'm here. And until i find that, the quest to find it, will be my aim.It may take forever to find it, but I'm not afraid and I'm quite pleased with the way things are going and will continue to do what makes me happy without having to question my conscience.
The discussion moved from there to remembering the Mahatma, and how even he made some poor choices. Like a very dear friend said, everybody has their not-so-easy moments, even those who we think have everything going for them.And about the society, where children are growing up so fast! I'm not that old, and even i feel the change. Things borrowed or brought from other nations, need not always be good. But there's no denying that its essential to interact and share. What we can do, is make sure we're better equiped to handle and maybe even induce change. I'd just like to borrow a popular political party's campaign slogan for a while (mind you, I'm in no way advertising for them) India Shining! I just wanna say, awaken your conscience! Listen to it when it stops you from doing something wrong, for yourself, the society and the country. Listen to it when it tells you its time you did something for yourself, the society and the country. The blame game we play with our government, politicians, beauracrats, traffic, vendors, neighbours..you know where I'm goin with this.. Wake up from your beauty sleep!
India shining! lead india! Go India go! Chak de India! And whatever else that makes sense to you!
Life! how often we use that word, failing to consider for a trifle second, what it really means. 'Life sucks', 'life s a bitch', 'what a life' and the most often heard, 'i hate my life'. Even i hadn't realised it until a few hours ago. Well here goes. A guy in my college, although i barely remember his face, he's the reason for the events leading upto my thoughts. He chose to kill himself over a series of bad performances academically. I heard about it from friends and was indifferent like most of the times that i've heard such things since i was in school. What was different this time, was that a favorite lecturer of mine made a fine choice of talking bout this for a few minutes. And it was not the usual " its cowardly to commit suicide and escape reality, one should build the strength and the courage to face anything that comes your way". Simply put, 'don't kill yourself, this is nothing'! And there's every bit of truth to it. But it hadnt ever provoked any thoughts in my head.
"You know what is wrong with the young, new generation? You've been brought up in a.." A voice in the back goes, 'imposed environment'! " Yes, thats true. Its also very protective and children ( i think he meant anyone below 22-23) today are so fragile."
Amidst so many restrictions that we think are bombarded on us, knowing fully well its only for safety reasons, we have the freedom to do anything we want, numerous opportunities and plenty of support for our well meaning endeavours. But we, along with the liberty and the opportunities are encompassed within this invisible web that my friend called the 'imposed environment'. It sounds very debateable and sure, you'll say anything can be done! The youth has the power to change anything! Thats what I want to hear. We can and we will do everything in our power to break the mould, not for the heck of it, but because it matters! It makes a difference!
Thus spoke a detractor," whats the point sir, what if your life has no meaning?" I moved in my seat. And the reply pulled at a string somewhere, I'm not sure if its as thought provoking to anyone reading this now, or to those around me who heard it. He simply said "then, find a meaning for your life". I could feel my face brighten up. One of the many things that have touched me and that i will recall for a long long time. It really is that simple. Find something that makes me feel, this is the reason I'm here. And until i find that, the quest to find it, will be my aim.It may take forever to find it, but I'm not afraid and I'm quite pleased with the way things are going and will continue to do what makes me happy without having to question my conscience.
The discussion moved from there to remembering the Mahatma, and how even he made some poor choices. Like a very dear friend said, everybody has their not-so-easy moments, even those who we think have everything going for them.And about the society, where children are growing up so fast! I'm not that old, and even i feel the change. Things borrowed or brought from other nations, need not always be good. But there's no denying that its essential to interact and share. What we can do, is make sure we're better equiped to handle and maybe even induce change. I'd just like to borrow a popular political party's campaign slogan for a while (mind you, I'm in no way advertising for them) India Shining! I just wanna say, awaken your conscience! Listen to it when it stops you from doing something wrong, for yourself, the society and the country. Listen to it when it tells you its time you did something for yourself, the society and the country. The blame game we play with our government, politicians, beauracrats, traffic, vendors, neighbours..you know where I'm goin with this.. Wake up from your beauty sleep!
India shining! lead india! Go India go! Chak de India! And whatever else that makes sense to you!
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