Oh the lot that can happen to one for no apparent reason but simply by one's presence. A heavily rented, not so great house goes on the market while you're still living in it: because some moron made a mistake with the address. A missed appointment with imbecile data cable guys and one waits a month to get internet connections running even though you were present at the time and place the whole time and on time. Landlords who forget they have tenants and go on vacations: still dont remember them when they're back. Laughable incidents in afterthought? Maybe to a cool cucumber been through it all. Not to a wannabe student, who's forgotten how to start studying and has to write exams after more than three years of leaving school.
I get people make mistakes. No one intends to be stupid. Just quit makin them around me! I have my own to take care of, erase and redo. All the mail vans and black cars are not enough to wish upon to make these time stealing demons disappear. A holy ghost, a kind angel please come down and get me over this. Over to a place where I can do what I came here to do - Think and work and be something happy.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
BE/Software engineer with 2 yrs experience moving to finance sector
Thats the (ahem) "title" that popped up before I thought of what was gonna go in this somewhat of a comeback post! Bizzaro? yes. But so appropriate!
According to most, left a good job and pay packet and jumping into a subject you believe is the thing for you but have no connection whatsoever to everything you've "studied" so far! Jolly good idea! Thank heavens for the supporting family which made a quick turnaround from their initial bewilderment to this foreign going to study foreign subject!
One would think with everything in place and the moral support, you'd be gung ho about flyin from the nest! I am, but I am also petrified, not so much by the foreigness of it all but all the preparations my supremely lazy self was hoping would get miraculously done without me lifting a finger. And true to my Dad's words, i have yet again become a last minute girakee :( (girakee = customer) All the cribbing on my side and the consoling on some truly sympathetic souls makes me optimistic, but it still is a hard task(s). All the headache of the bank work, the booking, the payments, the receiving and the sending, without having a vehicle to drive yourself, having to go to places a million times to get one thing done, and to have to do it alone, the frustration and exhaustion of it all - This is the stuff a horror film on moving away is made of!
So this BE Software engineer (turned instructional designer :( uff! get me a part time job in this ID) is moving to the finance sector, back to studies, to independence, to dependence on herself and to hopefully a whole lot of good times. Here's to a start! :) well, a restart!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
What makes?
What makes me vulnerable? In the face of adversity and rejection and when things dont go my way!
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?
Although i know a little bit of imperfection can do no harm and cannot be washed off, i'm desperately seeking the ideal. Knowing and accepting the fact that people may claim to know me but only i know who me is. what makes me ashamed of my words or my true spirit, is it because i'm trying too hard to please? Maybe more than necessary. Is it the fear of losing? Of losing whats not there? Of losing what little is left? Questioning the righteous and fearing god whilst not completely believing in them. Is it cuz i see myself in both black and white, right and wrong? Being myself and not liking the outcome, not being myself and still not liking the outcome, a self annointed tag of a loner, is this what makes me, the real me, as i was intended to be?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
My generation
For the past coupla days, I'd been feeling a little low, "aimless" - thats the word i chose to describe it. In this very grave narrative going on in my head, in the voice of anthony bourdain ( dont know why), everywhere turned up a lost cause.Now i know its the exaggerated self. Life is really not bad at all.
Life! how often we use that word, failing to consider for a trifle second, what it really means. 'Life sucks', 'life s a bitch', 'what a life' and the most often heard, 'i hate my life'. Even i hadn't realised it until a few hours ago. Well here goes. A guy in my college, although i barely remember his face, he's the reason for the events leading upto my thoughts. He chose to kill himself over a series of bad performances academically. I heard about it from friends and was indifferent like most of the times that i've heard such things since i was in school. What was different this time, was that a favorite lecturer of mine made a fine choice of talking bout this for a few minutes. And it was not the usual " its cowardly to commit suicide and escape reality, one should build the strength and the courage to face anything that comes your way". Simply put, 'don't kill yourself, this is nothing'! And there's every bit of truth to it. But it hadnt ever provoked any thoughts in my head.
"You know what is wrong with the young, new generation? You've been brought up in a.." A voice in the back goes, 'imposed environment'! " Yes, thats true. Its also very protective and children ( i think he meant anyone below 22-23) today are so fragile."
Amidst so many restrictions that we think are bombarded on us, knowing fully well its only for safety reasons, we have the freedom to do anything we want, numerous opportunities and plenty of support for our well meaning endeavours. But we, along with the liberty and the opportunities are encompassed within this invisible web that my friend called the 'imposed environment'. It sounds very debateable and sure, you'll say anything can be done! The youth has the power to change anything! Thats what I want to hear. We can and we will do everything in our power to break the mould, not for the heck of it, but because it matters! It makes a difference!
Thus spoke a detractor," whats the point sir, what if your life has no meaning?" I moved in my seat. And the reply pulled at a string somewhere, I'm not sure if its as thought provoking to anyone reading this now, or to those around me who heard it. He simply said "then, find a meaning for your life". I could feel my face brighten up. One of the many things that have touched me and that i will recall for a long long time. It really is that simple. Find something that makes me feel, this is the reason I'm here. And until i find that, the quest to find it, will be my aim.It may take forever to find it, but I'm not afraid and I'm quite pleased with the way things are going and will continue to do what makes me happy without having to question my conscience.
The discussion moved from there to remembering the Mahatma, and how even he made some poor choices. Like a very dear friend said, everybody has their not-so-easy moments, even those who we think have everything going for them.And about the society, where children are growing up so fast! I'm not that old, and even i feel the change. Things borrowed or brought from other nations, need not always be good. But there's no denying that its essential to interact and share. What we can do, is make sure we're better equiped to handle and maybe even induce change. I'd just like to borrow a popular political party's campaign slogan for a while (mind you, I'm in no way advertising for them) India Shining! I just wanna say, awaken your conscience! Listen to it when it stops you from doing something wrong, for yourself, the society and the country. Listen to it when it tells you its time you did something for yourself, the society and the country. The blame game we play with our government, politicians, beauracrats, traffic, vendors, neighbours..you know where I'm goin with this.. Wake up from your beauty sleep!
India shining! lead india! Go India go! Chak de India! And whatever else that makes sense to you!
Life! how often we use that word, failing to consider for a trifle second, what it really means. 'Life sucks', 'life s a bitch', 'what a life' and the most often heard, 'i hate my life'. Even i hadn't realised it until a few hours ago. Well here goes. A guy in my college, although i barely remember his face, he's the reason for the events leading upto my thoughts. He chose to kill himself over a series of bad performances academically. I heard about it from friends and was indifferent like most of the times that i've heard such things since i was in school. What was different this time, was that a favorite lecturer of mine made a fine choice of talking bout this for a few minutes. And it was not the usual " its cowardly to commit suicide and escape reality, one should build the strength and the courage to face anything that comes your way". Simply put, 'don't kill yourself, this is nothing'! And there's every bit of truth to it. But it hadnt ever provoked any thoughts in my head.
"You know what is wrong with the young, new generation? You've been brought up in a.." A voice in the back goes, 'imposed environment'! " Yes, thats true. Its also very protective and children ( i think he meant anyone below 22-23) today are so fragile."
Amidst so many restrictions that we think are bombarded on us, knowing fully well its only for safety reasons, we have the freedom to do anything we want, numerous opportunities and plenty of support for our well meaning endeavours. But we, along with the liberty and the opportunities are encompassed within this invisible web that my friend called the 'imposed environment'. It sounds very debateable and sure, you'll say anything can be done! The youth has the power to change anything! Thats what I want to hear. We can and we will do everything in our power to break the mould, not for the heck of it, but because it matters! It makes a difference!
Thus spoke a detractor," whats the point sir, what if your life has no meaning?" I moved in my seat. And the reply pulled at a string somewhere, I'm not sure if its as thought provoking to anyone reading this now, or to those around me who heard it. He simply said "then, find a meaning for your life". I could feel my face brighten up. One of the many things that have touched me and that i will recall for a long long time. It really is that simple. Find something that makes me feel, this is the reason I'm here. And until i find that, the quest to find it, will be my aim.It may take forever to find it, but I'm not afraid and I'm quite pleased with the way things are going and will continue to do what makes me happy without having to question my conscience.
The discussion moved from there to remembering the Mahatma, and how even he made some poor choices. Like a very dear friend said, everybody has their not-so-easy moments, even those who we think have everything going for them.And about the society, where children are growing up so fast! I'm not that old, and even i feel the change. Things borrowed or brought from other nations, need not always be good. But there's no denying that its essential to interact and share. What we can do, is make sure we're better equiped to handle and maybe even induce change. I'd just like to borrow a popular political party's campaign slogan for a while (mind you, I'm in no way advertising for them) India Shining! I just wanna say, awaken your conscience! Listen to it when it stops you from doing something wrong, for yourself, the society and the country. Listen to it when it tells you its time you did something for yourself, the society and the country. The blame game we play with our government, politicians, beauracrats, traffic, vendors, neighbours..you know where I'm goin with this.. Wake up from your beauty sleep!
India shining! lead india! Go India go! Chak de India! And whatever else that makes sense to you!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
Respect - not a day's work!
Zoom - Let's talk!
Sushmita Sen.
Respect is more important than love.
Hmmm..A lil bit of soul searching and almost total belief surfaced.
For people to be and grow in love, its a prerequisite to respect one another. Sometimes its just not there or it starts to wane, for very many reasons, different at different times. Here are some that came to my mind.
1. When one loses respect for oneself, cant exactly see anyone else being right. When you respect someone, love is a part of it; when you love someone, respect is not always a part of it.
I can identify with this to some extent. Lack of self esteem and self love makes one insecure and very unwilling to trust people. One tries to put on a tough exterior, and is constantly on one's guard. For me, this phase is over, well, it almost is. I feel independent, capable and special. I know i dont have to treat myself badly, i'm not a rag. Even typing this out empowers me:)
2. Being let down, when one has too many expectations, and they're not fulfilled.
Faith and love remain sometimes, but respect, uh-no, not so much. A friend recently said to me, Dont have too many expectations from people, life will look a lot better. Didint seem like much at the time, but its definitey true. it definitely works and is totally possible!
3. One's ego! Ironically enough, I know what this feels like ( for a person with the ego ). There is this air of superiority and invincibility( if its not a real word, u're smart enough to know what i mean), sometimes you think you CANNOT be wrong! Even if you are, there's no way you will accept it.
This can be gotten rid of. Humility! Be humble. Takes time, but its worth the effort. Stop judging people for what you think are their short comings, dont give anyone labels you wouldnt like having yourself. We're all different, but we're still alike, in that we're humans. An open heart and a free mind, unbiased and unprejudiced will lead the way.
Sushmita Sen.
Respect is more important than love.
Hmmm..A lil bit of soul searching and almost total belief surfaced.
For people to be and grow in love, its a prerequisite to respect one another. Sometimes its just not there or it starts to wane, for very many reasons, different at different times. Here are some that came to my mind.
1. When one loses respect for oneself, cant exactly see anyone else being right. When you respect someone, love is a part of it; when you love someone, respect is not always a part of it.
I can identify with this to some extent. Lack of self esteem and self love makes one insecure and very unwilling to trust people. One tries to put on a tough exterior, and is constantly on one's guard. For me, this phase is over, well, it almost is. I feel independent, capable and special. I know i dont have to treat myself badly, i'm not a rag. Even typing this out empowers me:)
2. Being let down, when one has too many expectations, and they're not fulfilled.
Faith and love remain sometimes, but respect, uh-no, not so much. A friend recently said to me, Dont have too many expectations from people, life will look a lot better. Didint seem like much at the time, but its definitey true. it definitely works and is totally possible!
3. One's ego! Ironically enough, I know what this feels like ( for a person with the ego ). There is this air of superiority and invincibility( if its not a real word, u're smart enough to know what i mean), sometimes you think you CANNOT be wrong! Even if you are, there's no way you will accept it.
This can be gotten rid of. Humility! Be humble. Takes time, but its worth the effort. Stop judging people for what you think are their short comings, dont give anyone labels you wouldnt like having yourself. We're all different, but we're still alike, in that we're humans. An open heart and a free mind, unbiased and unprejudiced will lead the way.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Counting down the days
Doubt, sarcasm, guilt, constant ridicule and manic depression. Its not her problem, but she's still trying to help. I wouldnt say she's saving lives but atleast she's not lettin anyone die! She doesnt want to make this about herself, because its not. Its much bigger, more insane, too intense, quite serious and quite trivial at the same time.
She cannot make it go away, its not in her hands. Just when it seems like it is or she starts to believe it is, things slip away. She never gives up on people, people she loves. Adjustments, compromises, sacrifices are an everyday occurrence, they're not exactly selfless at times, cuz she knows and expects something good to come out of it, sometimes. She has patience too, but she's losing grey matter, failing to cope up. She's not helpless, not asking for help. But she wouldnt decline it if someone offers it. She's not exactly living the way she wants to, hoped to or dreamt of. But she's not unhappy.
This is not autobiographical.
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